A woman shares her concern about the lack of emotional safety in her relationship and her challenge with getting him to understand what she needs from him.
The Question to Lisa
“I read your article on emotional safety, and it seems to be lacking in my recent relationship. I had been dating a guy on and off for about a year. I’ve been trying to share this concept with him, but it always seems to go nowhere. We initially hit it off very well and share similar values and beliefs.
His schedule made it difficult to spend enough quality time together and ultimately led to our breakup—his choice. What was difficult was how matter-of-fact he seemed about it. He said it was only about his schedule and nothing more. He claimed he didn’t have the stamina to nurture a relationship right now and that it wasn’t fair to either of us. Then he ceased communication completely. I felt very shut out emotionally.
Prior to that breakup, he had been working four 10-hour days (weekends), and the other three days he spent with his 5-year-old son (he arranged this to avoid daycare). He doesn’t want anyone to meet his son until enough time has passed. I respected that and was willing to work around it. Things worked for a while, but he seemed to make a lot of excuses for not having time for me—although he would say that if he could, he would see me every day.
I didn’t make big demands at all. We would see each other twice a week, and he would call every day. Then slowly, the calls became less frequent, plans were canceled, and twice a week turned into once every two weeks. There was always some plausible excuse: work hours increased, his son needed attention, he was exhausted, etc. I believed him, but it almost seemed like he was “hiding” behind his son and schedule rather than dealing with the relationship. I found it very confusing because he would tell me how glad he was that he found me, etc. Just to be sure this wasn’t about someone else, I asked if he wanted to see others. He would say, “I don’t have time to see anyone else!”
Six months after the breakup, we reunited. He said he wanted new beginnings and promised he’d be able to spend more time with me because of a new job and schedule. I was a bit hesitant and told him I would only get back together if he was serious and if he promised not to shut me out if things got a little challenging. He kept saying he was sorry and realized that “actions speak louder than words,” and that he would try harder this time.
Things were going well, but I noticed a pattern. After we started to get close, he began to act distant and made sarcastic remarks and little jabs—acting like he was just joking. But they felt like put-downs disguised as jokes. It felt like he was pushing me away emotionally.
Then he began having problems with his ex regarding time with his son. He started to back off again—not returning my calls or texts for days. He said he was too busy gathering information, getting an attorney, etc. I told him I wanted to be supportive, but I was having a hard time being shut out again. He just said he didn’t even have time to take care of himself. He kept phone calls short, saying he didn’t have time for a deep conversation.
I tried to explain that if he needed time, that was okay—but when he refuses to communicate, I feel shut out. He also made some negative comments about his ex-wife and women in general. When I got upset about that, he didn’t want to talk anymore and abruptly hung up and shut off his phone. I texted him about how upset I was. He replied, “I’m sorry that what I said hurt your feelings, but I was only expressing an opinion—it wasn’t directed at you. I can’t be responsible for you feeling insecure.”
It felt like he could not validate my feelings at all. His apology seemed cold—like it was something he was supposed to say but didn’t have any feeling attached to it. Then he said that if “I was really trying to be supportive, I wouldn’t be bringing these things up while he was going through a crisis.” He said I was being selfish, but that’s human nature.
This is just one example—he has responded this way in other situations. This is the pattern. He disengages, won’t talk about the issue, disappears, and then, after a week or so, reconnects and acts like everything is okay without ever discussing it completely. He tells me he missed me, acts all lovey-dovey, and when I don’t respond the same way, he acts puzzled or says he feels rejected.
When I explain my perspective and ask him how he really feels about me, he replies with “What do you think?” and “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have feelings.” But he never actually verbalizes how he feels. He just says things like, “Maybe if you gave this (me) more time, things would work themselves out,” or “We got back together so there must be a reason,” or “Don’t worry so much, you’re being insecure,” or “If it’s meant to be, it will work out.”
The last time I saw him, I was very careful with my words so that I wasn’t critical. I told him how I felt he wasn’t connecting with me. I reminded him of the times he did connect and how much that meant to me, and I wished we could do that more often to grow closer. He made light of it and joked with me instead of taking it seriously. Then he went into the same, “What do I think?” routine. Then he actually said, “Maybe you should talk to a counselor about it!”
I tried to get him to understand the importance of communicating, and he replied with “Been there, done that,” and “After you get beat up so much, you don’t want to try anymore.” ??? End of conversation—he didn’t want to talk about it further.
I want to tell him that I don’t feel emotionally safe, but I don’t know how to say it without being misunderstood. He said he has had a lot of counseling about his issues and that this is just how he is. So I don’t know if he will actually understand what I mean about feeling emotionally safe. Any suggestions? Or do you think this is not something that can be resolved and I’m just setting myself up for more pain? I get so confused by him… is that what it means to be put off balance?”
Lisa’s Response
Wow, that’s quite an emotional roller coaster you’ve been on! My first thoughts were: this man seems to have far too much going on to be in a relationship with you—and—what’s going on with his ex? Is he still emotionally tied to her? Regardless, he seems only able to engage in short bursts with you, and the back and forth surely must feel anything but emotionally safe. And this seems to be a pattern.
The bottom line is that this relationship clearly doesn’t feel good, despite your efforts to communicate your needs. I wonder at what point you would decide you deserve more. If you love him and truly want it to work, counseling would be recommended. If he can’t hear what it’s like for you to be on this ride with him and sticks with the “been there, done that” attitude regarding counseling (which doesn’t even make sense, as your relationship is entirely different than the others), then you’re left deciding whether or not your needs are being met—or if you might be better off finding someone with the ability to be “all in.”
Your emotional IQ appears to be higher than his. This is not uncommon, where one partner doesn’t have the same level of awareness or communication skills as the other. It’s not to say that this can’t be learned, but it requires two willing participants.
You deserve to be with a man who responds appropriately when you express your hurt and doesn’t throw it back on you. Maybe it’s this one—but you’re not getting good indicators. It’s a matter of how much patience and time you want to put into this situation. Remember that you deserve to be met in the way you need, especially after trying so hard to be understood. It’s up to you whether this relationship comes to a point where you feel you’ve done all you can do—and are done.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
1. What does it mean to feel emotionally unsafe in a relationship?
Emotional safety means you feel secure expressing your needs, fears, and vulnerabilities without being shut down, judged, or dismissed. If you frequently feel confused, invalidated, or anxious after sharing your feelings, that’s a signal emotional safety is lacking.
2. Is it normal for someone to pull away emotionally when life gets stressful?
Yes, it’s common—but it becomes a problem if that pattern leads to long-term disconnection, stonewalling, or blaming. Emotionally mature partners can acknowledge stress while still offering small moments of connection and communication.
3. How can I express my needs without sounding critical?
Use “I” statements and focus on how you feel, rather than what the other person is doing wrong. For example: “I feel alone when I don’t hear from you for days. I really value communication and would like us to talk about how to stay more connected.”
4. Can someone learn to be more emotionally available?
Yes—if they’re open, self-aware, and willing to grow. Therapy, honest conversations, and relational practice can help. But if someone shuts down, deflects, or refuses to take ownership, meaningful change is unlikely.
5. How do I know when it’s time to walk away?
When you’ve expressed your needs clearly and consistently, but the same painful patterns keep repeating—and you’re left feeling unheard, insecure, or emotionally unfulfilled—it may be time to prioritize your well-being and consider stepping away.
The post Ask Lisa : Lack of Emotional Safety in My Relationship appeared first on Love And Life Toolbox .
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